Sunday Sept. 12, 2004
In the course of the last several weeks I’ve had reason
to be especially thankful to God for my gradual recovery. Something that sick
people could tell you is that the early morning when you wake up is a difficult
time. In sleep we escape from the trials and difficulties of life but in the
morning they come crashing down in front of us. Questions come into my mind
like why did this happen to me, what am I going to do without the use of my
right arm, why do I have to go through this or that. Sometimes the thought even
comes that it would have been easier to get off to purgatory and not to have
recovered. All these thoughts are very pessimistic thoughts and in many respects
unworthy of a Christian, but they represent human nature at its early morning
hours and its weakness and fear.
In recent weeks I’ve been thinking about all the things that I was able
to do. At the end of March I could only move my left arm. I could not even roll
over in bed for the nurses. I was in excruciating pain if I attempted to move
at all. I couldn’t walk. The first time I walked I did three steps in
three minutes and never thought I would walk again. Gradually one after the
other these disabilities have disappeared and I’m able to do the vast
majority of things that are necessary to keep life going. This morning I tried
for the first time a gadget that permits you to put on your socks, which is
a very difficult thing when your legs have been made rigid by illness and you
have only one arm.
How happy and grateful I should be for what I have and for what I have been
able to do. I have friends who can’t walk and have never been able to
walk in their lives. I’ve met people in the hospital that are hardly able
to move for the rest of their lives. I’ll be going back teaching on Monday
and have already given a few retreats. I still don’t feel a hundred percent
and get very tired but I am back almost to my normal life. Last week I spoke
about being grateful to those who took care of me and this week I must be very
grateful to the Father, Son and Holy Spirit who by their life giving presence
have asked me to stay on in this world and do some good things before I leave
for purgatory and then for the Kingdom of God.
Let us continue to pray for each other!
Father Benedict
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